To use the old Cockney phrase so prevalent on shows like 'Eastenders', I've 'lost my bottle'. When did my courage evaporate? I think it has been a gradual leakage, almost imperceptible at first, only obvious when I reached for it and found a void in its place.
I suppose courage is easier when one has nothing to lose. Or perhaps it becomes more difficult as one loses more and more... Four of my Puttikins are undergoing procedures today. I took them to a low-cost clinic because otherwise I would not be able to give them all the help they desperately needed.
Why did I wait this long? Well, I do not have the funds, never have the funds, but that is not the full tale here. It is partly because I was overwhelmed with fear that they would not survive, the fear of losing another loved one.
There are those, possibly in the majority, who believe that animals and human beings never can be equal in terms of the love one has for them or their intrinsic 'value'. Obviously I disagree vehemently with that. My Cats are as much my family as any human component. My daughter is the centre of everything but she is almost 21. She no longer needs me the way that the Puttikins ALWAYS will need me. Furthermore, she is out of my reach physically, which does limit our relationship significantly.
I have lost a large number of human friends in the past decade. Part of the price one pays for having close friends from another generation I suppose. Some were of the same generation as my mother. Even so, death of a loved one always is a shock and very painful, even when the person is 'in the zone' as my Mum is fond of putting it nowadays.
As more of my close friends died, I became increasingly fearful of loss. I had nightmares about my Puttikins dying. What should be straightforward and one hopes, without risk, becomes filled with danger in my mind. I did not take them to the vet sooner because, quite honestly, I was terrified that they would not survive the experience. Foolish perhaps, but if any one reads this post, please spare a moment to say a little prayer for Apollodoro, Temujin, Pumpkin and Jasper. Despite the fact that I have more Cats than I really ever watned, they ARE my family and I could not bear to lose even one of them.
